Pre- Marital Counseling

Fact: long distance relationships are difficult.

God has truly blessed Slim and I in that we are best friends despite living a two hour drive away from each other.  Our relationship has been built on  old fashioned patience, phone calls, and letters along with the new school methods of texting and emails.

Once we were engaged, Slim and I knew that we would need counseling. We are both in our mid-thirties; we want to get married once and never again. Divorce for us is not an option. In order to give our love a fighting chance we decided that it would be best to sit down with a professional who could give us pointers on how we could build a marriage that would last a lifetime.

As devout Christians, we knew that seeking help from the church was our first choice. Within the church we found licensed marriage counselors who sprinkle God's grace and His Word on all their counseling sessions. It was so refreshing to find this type of support.

Fact: Slim and I believe the Word of God ( the Bible) has the answer to all of life's problems.

We sat down with *Pastor Bill who had counseled dozens of couples before us and had over twenty years of counseling experience. Pastor Bill told us that none of the couples he had married has divorced. "I never married anyone I haven't counseled" he told us. "I have to stand before God and I want to make sure I'm giving them everything they need to have a healthy marriage. If I didn't counsel ya' how would I know that!" Slim and I were glad to have someone like him. He is counseling us for free too.

Slim and I sit with Pastor Bill whenever Slim is in town, which is not often, but because of the relocation issue we were able to have a long engagement (11 months!) Our hope was that our long engagement would allow us to complete counseling sessions, eight in all. But the truth is, things often don't go as planned and Slim and I have not met with Pastor Bill like we would have liked for various reasons ( plans were cancelled due to work hour changes, sicknesses, emergencies, or just forgot to plan a meeting during one of Slim's visits).

To supplement the visits we have had with the counselor, Slim and I have done lots of "homework". One homework assignment we were given was to read Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, Love and Respect, and anything Dave Ramsey- to get ourselves as a couple on the same financial track.

Love and Respect was a doosy of a book and will need its own blog post to explain adequately. Expect more about it in a future post.

The  other two books have been equally invaluable to us. Boundaries more-so for Slim, who in his good nature, has a difficult time saying no. Totally Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey for me, because I am an impulse shopper and I have a hard time saying no to spending money on things I want.

Since reading Dave Ramsey's book, I have become more focused and driven on getting rid of debt. I have been consistently paying down student loans and my credit score went up 40 points! Slim has been very proud of me and we talk about money concerning plans to pay off debt, save, and to give openly and often. We also talk about respect in a marriage, how we can properly love and meet each others emotional needs to the best of our human ability, and how we can serve God together and live happily. We talk through disagreements in future plans, child rearing, and how can we work on forgiving each other quickly when offended.

I'm very thankful for premarital counseling. It is teaching me how to better love my man and make a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Note to all readers: even if you don't get to attend every session of premarital counseling, be sure to still do the work the counselor recommended. Don't leave the office without putting a plan into place on how what was discussed can be implemented after you and your spouse-to-be leave. Slim and I tried to make sure that we did just this. The best part is, we have decided to continue counseling once we are married.

Times of Uncertainity

Slim seemed quite certain of me very early in our dating. He would often say to me E... (he calls me E), I prayed for years for a wife and God has blessed me with you. He always made it clear to me that he wasn't interested in a girlfriend (at least not for a very long period of time). Slim was interested in getting himself a wife.

His certainity about me and bold proclamations made me a little afraid of him. What if he's a wacko? I could end up with a wacko. Would God allow that to happen to me? I sought a lot of counsel concerning Slim and I prayed a lot. I have always loved the Scripture of Proverbs 11:14; "In the multitude of counselors, there is safety." I have based my life around following this particular principle, and it has kept me safe so far. Why stop now?

Slim and I went out on a few dates, but after the fourth month I broke it off. Fear I guess. Uncertainity. I felt like Slim was a powerful magnet. Sweet, goofy, funny, charming, full of integrity and loves the Lord. However I was scared of him, he was too powerful in his resolve concerning me- so I ran.

Following my mother's wise advice, I asked Slim could we still be friends. After six months of being his friend; talking on the phone with him and just caring about him, I began to wonder why did I break things off with him in the first place. I began to yearn for the compassion, friendship and love he would give me.  Slim and I really were very good friends. After six months, I asked Slim could we try "us" again; he thought that was a good idea.

I would like to tell you that after I said this to Slim, things were peachy keen and we had no further bumps on our road to engagement, but that would be a lie. I was still uncertain about Slim. I wondered was there some magical person out there that was better. I know I hurt him during these times. I remember saying while laughing- "Now, don't go and buy me any rings." I was laughing; Slim somber and hurt. He wanted to make me his wife, he wanted to buy me a ring and felt defeated when I asked him not to. We were together for about eight months when finally IT happened!

One night, Slim called me and said that I had one week to make up my mind. To tell him, he was the man for me and that he could buy me an engagement ring. If I didn't give him an answer in week was over. IT was an ultimatum.I tried to fight it but I couldn't any longer. He had put his foot down. I wrote down all the pros of being with Slim. When I went to write down the cons, I couldn't think of anything and left the computer screen blank.  I called Slim a day before my one week deadline and told him that yes, if he asked me, I'd marry him and that he could buy a ring. We were engaged officially about a month after that.

It's okay to be uncertain but sometimes with relationships, one must make a decision. We must know that the steps of a righteous person are ordered by the Lord. If a man loves Jesus and he loves you than the rest the two you can work out together as a team. This is what Slim and I have decided to do. Two months ago I got engaged to a beautiful, hard-working, honest Christian man who lives out of town. But two months ago this s same Christian man turned a free-spirited travel diva into a laser focused woman whose life now has direction and a desire for local ministry and the community. I also have a deep desire for create a loving Christian home where hubby and kiddies are happy and loving Jesus.

Slim turned an uncertain woman to a woman of faith and trust and direction. Finding a companion will have that kind of effect.

I hope you enjoy this blog. I will try to write more about my journey as a slightly older Christian woman at least twice a week. Hasta luego and Que Dios te bendiga.

Online Dating for the Slightly Older Christian Woman

I love women's fellowship Bible studies.

Two years ago I started one in my home as a way for young women to have a place to meet, talk, laugh, and pray together. One night a sweet beautiful confident sister said to me.

"Why would I go online to find the man God has for me? If God has someone for me, I don't have to put myself out there to find him. God will bring him to me." My friend's resolve was firm. Although she was yearning for companionship, she had rather be alone than look online for love. I listened carefully and neutrally to her point of view. At that time, I hadn't met my love yet so I had nothing to say. I knew that I wasn't wholly against online dating. Now that I have some experience with it, I would encourage women to try it ( with accountability). Sure you might meet a few wackos but that can happen anywhere (even in the church)!

Two years ago I met my best friend and my love online. On this blog I will call him Slim. In upcoming blogs I will write in detail the process (sometimes joyous, sometimes painful) of mine and Slim's friendship, dating, and engagement process. Slim, like me, is a slightly older Christian person. We both approached online dating hopefully, prayerfully, and with open hearts and by the grace of God, He lead us to each other.

Tips if you're considering online dating:

1. PRAY!!!! I need to be candid here and publicly repent of a weak prayer-life. It has gotten stronger since I've been with Slim because he pushes me to pray, pray some more, and to pray again. If you are trusting God for a life-partner, your desire must be intertwined with a rich and dense prayer time concerning your need for a husband. Every time I went on an online dating site I prayed first. I prayed that God would protect me from a fake Christian who was on the site to find a good girl. I prayed I would not be seduced or persuaded solely based on a man's looks or his wallet. I prayed for wisdom.
• I remember praying: "Lord, I believe that you can use this website as an instrument to bring the husband you have for me to me. Please bring someone who loves you and who can love me to me. In Jesus' name. Amen." 
2.  CREATE A SHORT GENUINE PROFILE. Your profile should give the reader a good nutshell understanding of who you are. Start with a friendly greeting. Don't state your name right away, list a few interests and personal goals and make sure that you list what you're looking for in a man as well. Make sure to top it off with three or four very flattering pictures of yourself that are not in black and white. Ask friends to rate the pics or take some others of you that would get a good response. The truth is- Men are visual creatures! Your pictures have to do you justice in order to get good responses. 
• This is for free. DON'T BE AFRAID TO DATE A SLIGHTLY YOUNGER MAN. Younger men come with less baggage and a Christian man around 25-29 years old  is seriously considering getting married. Hey... you never know in what form (or age) the Lord may bring your husband so be open to someone younger than yourself.
3. USE THE WEBSITE. Only give someone your number after you have corresponded with them through the websites email and you feel comfortable giving them your telephone number. There have been times that I was pressured to give my telephone number before I was comfortable giving it and each time I did, I regretted it. The guy either turned out to be a jerk or just someone I didn't want to talk to.
4. DATE! After you have spoken with the guy on the phone and you feel comfortable talking with him, meet up with him for a daytime pressure free fun date. This can be anything from a museum stroll to something more service oriented like volunteering together for a special cause.
5. GIVE IT A CHANCE! Don't allow past experiences to effect the way you respond to a new person. Give them the benefit of the doubt and practice grace and forgiveness if he seems a little awkward or if he was a little too quiet or weird. Slim and I went out the first time and I thought he was a quiet weirdo. My mother insisted that I go out with him a second time and give the man a chance. Now, he is the love of my life. The second date was all ease friendliness and compatibiltiy. We held hands the entire time and I couldn't get over how much I trusted him and how quickly it happened. 

I hope this post has been helpful. Feel free to write comments. Until manaña....

For The (Slightly) Older Christian Woman Who Believes She's Unmarriable

I'm not old.

Let´s just say I'm slightly older than most of my friends. Five years older than my best friend and she's been married for three years now.

I'm at that age where family no longer asks if I'm dating someone or when will I get married.  I don't think many of them believed that marriage was a desire for me. They use to ask questions that mad me feel embarrassed, sad, and worst of all- unmarriable. Unmarriable is a word I made up that means unloveable old maid freak. Here are some of the kickers my family members would ask:

1. Are you gay?
2. Do you want to be a nun?
3. Do you like men?
4. Have you tried?
5. What's wrong with you?

After a while, especially as I grew slightly older, I started to believe I was unmarriable and undesirabe. I believed that God created me to be alone and miserable. I was starting to believe that I would end up a bitter old church woman with a big hat and a sour expression on my face. Perhaps sitting in church pretending to be at peace while my heart was filled with anger against God for supposed unanswered prayers.  My best friend said the night before her wedding: "It'll happen", and you know what she was right. It did happen! I fell in love and now I'm preparing for my wedding and most importantly my marriage.

The Bible was right too. Several scriptures from the new and old testaments remind us that God can be trusted... with every area of our lives. He is not a limited human being. He's God! Look at Romans 10:11

As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” 

 Romans chapter 10 is  referring to the sufficiency of Christ alone for salvation. Anyone who trusts in the name of Jesus and what Christ has accomplished when he died on the cross for sinners and rose again, will never be put to shame for that belief. I find that this Scripture speaks to my eternal salvation and also it speaks to my trust in God with things that are out of my control- like a suitable life partner. I prayed for a husband and in addition to the glorious gift of eternal life- God has given me one. 

I'm starting this blog for the slightly older Christian woman. That woman who has given up on the possibility of meeting and marrying a godly man. If God can be trusted with our eternal souls, how much more can He be trusted with our present reality. He can save us, keep us, and provide for us companionship while we walk through this lives journey. Anyone who believes in him will NEVER be put to shame!

This blog is also for the younger Christian woman. Perhaps you're uncertain when marriage will happen for you. I hope to be an encouragement to you. I try to always be funny, down-to-earth, but Biblical, and Christ honoring in my presentation. 

Join me on my journey as I prepare to get married, get hitched, tie the knot, and .....jump the broom.